Has God ever spoken to you so clearly, and perhaps, so unexpectedly that it's left you in tears? When He hits the nail on the head - or touches one of your deepest wounds so precisely - that you can't even doubt the sureness of what He's saying? Recently, I had a moment like that. A moment that left me crying alone during my quiet time - equally blown away by God's goodness and His creativity in communicating with me.
It started one morning as I was meditating on the truth of the lyrics contained in the hymn, "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" seeking to do just that. To sit in His presence gazing at Him. To regain perspective in the midst of my overwhelming to-do list and worries. To re-center on what this life is truly all about - Jesus.
And so, as I sat there in meditation, I felt God's Spirit inspiring me to worship, "He is worthy!" (Rev 5) "Let all that's with me praise His holy name!" (Psalm 103). And then, silence. A sense of joy. Peace. Calm. And last, the still small voice of God, "Daughter, I see you...'just around the riverbend.'"
My head shot up - eyes opened. "Just around the riverbend?" I knew those words - those lyrics. I knew that song, and it wasn't scripture. It was Pocahontas!
Pocahontas - one of my favorite Disney movies growing up. I remember vividly singing that song as I ran around my yard dancing, weaving in and out of the trees, and doing somersaults in the grass. I loved Pocahontas because even though I was only about 10 years old, I longed to be as brave, bold, and beautiful as she was. To have my own adventures in life.
I looked up the video on YouTube and the lyrics came flooding back:
"What I love most about rivers is You can't step in the same river twice The water's always changing, always flowing
But people, I guess, can't live like that We all must pay a price To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing
What's around the river bend Waiting just around the river bend...
why do all my dreams extend Just around the river bend... Should I choose the smoothest course Steady as the beating drum?...
is all my dreaming at an end? Or do you still wait for me, dream giver Just around the river bend?"
"Do you still wait for me dream giver, just around the river bend?"
Those words resonated deeply with my soul. With those words, and that song, God had gently poked and prodded at one of my deepest hurts, my deepest wounds. The wound of feeling let down by Him.
You see, in the past 8 years, I had trusted God twice and took what I considered gigantic professional risks in regard to where I believed He was calling me to serve. The first was to leave my well paying full-time job at a Christian nonprofit dedicated to raising up leaders with a biblical worldview in order to start my own eventual nonprofit, Blossom & Flourish. A nonprofit dedicated to providing leadership training and confidence building programs for middle school and high school girls. To help young women embrace God's leadership calling on their lives.
Then, the second risk, in 2015, while still running B&F part-time, I felt God calling me to join the CCO, Coalition for Christian Outreach, as a part-time Campus Minister. The CCO had been largely influential in my walk with Christ, and I was excited to expand beyond MS & HS students to working with college students as well. To join the CCO's mission of "transforming hearts and minds for the glory of God" at Duquesne University in downtown Pittsburgh.
Two major risks. Two major failures. Now, while, one can argue that they were certainly successful in regard to influencing hearts & minds - they had a positive Kingdom impact - financially they were failures. With B&F, while I served over 500+ girls from all over western PA, I never made more than $8,000 a year. And, with the CCO, I was tasked with fundraising my own salary and would often end up going months with only earning $200 - $300. Barely enough to cover the expenses of the ministry itself.
And so, for many reasons beyond only the financial struggles, I wrestled extensively with feelings of failure and resentment toward God for not providing for me.
I felt like I had done my part - why didn't He do His???
Finally, I began to wrestle with another sense. A sense that God was calling me to scale back on my work with B&F and hand-off the ministry at Duquesne in order to focus on something new. A public writing & teaching ministry. And, while I love writing & teaching, a chorus of excuses immediately came to mind.
"God, I'm so burned out. I can't possibly start another new thing...You let me down twice before, and yet You want me to step out in faith again!?" No thank you.
Next, my fears bubbled up to the surface, "But I'm not perfect. Teaching students is one thing, but teaching adults is another...I failed with marketing and business growth around B&F, and I learned that I hate business development work - how will I ever grow this ministry??"
And finally, one of my deepest fears, one that has its roots all the way back to my childhood and adolescence when I moved three times in 5th, 7th, and 10th grade - hard for any young girl let alone a late bloomer and introvert like me -
"What if they don't like me???"
In my failures with B&F and the CCO, one of the hardest parts was being so personally invested in the ministries/organizations that I felt personally rejected when they failed. And it almost broke me. Now I was supposed to do it all again, this time with a brand that is literally me. It doesn't get much more personal than that.
So, after having been through all that pain and failure these past 8+ years, when I heard that song and those lyrics from so long ago again - they took on renewed meaning. I felt that longing for adventure - the hope of it - the desire for it - creep back into my heart.
I felt God nudging me forward, inviting me to trust Him again. To recognize that it's not about where I've come from, but where He wants to take me.
That those things, those heart breaks, they're not the end of the story. They're only a chapter. And maybe, even, they were preparing me for the best part of the story ahead. For as the saying goes, "a smooth sea never made for a skillful sailor."
But could I trust that? Could I trust the Dreamgiver was still waiting for me? That He would grant me the desires of my heart? (Psalm 37:4) That He's there around the riverbend. Out of sight - calling me forward? And could I trust that perhaps He was calling me to call others forward with me? To share the Truth of His Word to help inspire others to experience the new Life He offers.
For so many have traded the adventure of a life with God for the safety of the shore. For the smooth ride. But God tells us, "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1) He calls out to the deepest parts of us. (Psalm 42:7) A groaning & a longing beyond what we can even articulate sometimes. A sense that there is more to this life. The Dreamgiver, inviting us on an adventure with Him. Asking us to trust Him on the journey. To trust His goodness and His Power. To follow Him, in faith, just around the riverbend.
Song for Worship:
Verses for Meditation:
"Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations." - Revelation 22: 1 - 2
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